How am I feeling emotionally?

Ever watch a movie with someone who just as it's getting really good, stops it, rewinds, watchs for a while then didn't quite figure whatever out so does it again then again. That's how I feel.

For a couple years before they first discovered the tumor I felt crappy. Just after the first surgery I felt awesome, better than I had in years, bursting with energy and enthusiasm. I wrote long letters, started all sorts of projects, completed a manuscript and submitted it to a publisher. Life was good. For a short time.

Then my health declined. I kept losing ground. It took another year before they realized the tumor had grown back. After the second surgery I felt okay but not great like after the first. Energy and enthusiasm never happened. I was exhausted, moody, cold and so on. It took 9 months for them to discover my growth hormone had stopped another 5 before all the testing and approvals were done for hormone replacement. Only in the last few months had I started to feel close to normal, like I had my life back. John told me I started to act 'alive' again.

When I went to OHSU on Oct. 12 nervous but expecting all to be okay, at worst that maybe a tiny growth like before .1cm had occurred. A tiny growth that could be just watched. Instead the rewind button was hit.  I'm right back at the start again only this time the dvd is scratched (scar tissue) and the dvd player (my pituitary) is barely functioning.  I'm frustrated. I want to move on. I want it done, over, never to have to deal with EVER again. Accepting otherwise is difficult.

Emotional venting below-

We had plans %$#& it. Nothing grandiose, but plans. We didn't get to go camping this year at all so now that things were settling down, Chris was doing ok, we thought hey maybe we'll do some day trips. Have a family week end at the coast with Jason & Sara. A visit to see my darling great niece whom I've yet to cuddle. Plan a camping trip for next spring/summer with all our kids, Sara's family, and friends and family we haven't seen in far too long. That's all on hold.

We just got caught up enough financially we had plans, again nothing grandiose, but #$%&* it plans. Replacing the broken window with a vinyl one off craigslist, changing the oil in the cars, new jeans, a bathroom fan that isn't louder than a jet, a kitchen light that doesn't hum and flicker, in fact colman max camp chairs at wal mart next payday was the plan - ones we had died years back and these had a doable weight limit (no jokes please, I see myself in the mirror, I'm vividly aware of my size) etc... That's all on hold

It feels like just when we've climbed up out of a hole, are about to step forward and do something beyond survival, something trivial or fun, something put off because it wasn't absolutely necessary we're pulled right back into the hole.